Phantom Barflys-the heavy drinking bar-scribes have landed the big dog of the Boston area boozing scene. Luke O'Neil kindly (plied with much cheap liquor) accepted the Barflys' offer to an interview about his impending epic dive bar tome; Boston's Best Dive Bars-Drinking & Diving in Beantown. This interview took place in the ladies room of the Midway Cafe but not on Dyke Night. Drink up!
Barflys- To me dive bars are like porn: hard to define, but you know it when you see it. I guess you like porn too?
L.O.- I spend so much time in the book talking about whether or not this or that or the other things makes a bar a dive, and I still never arrived at a clear formula. You've got a few classes though: a bucket of blood, a shit hole, a frat dive, a hipster dive, sports dive, neighborhood social club, and remodeled dive that thinks it's not a dive anymore are a few of the most frequent. Opposite of porn in that if you can conceive of yourself masturbating anywhere near it, it's not a dive.
Barflys- How would you define dive bars? Include odors explicitly.
L.O.- Piss cakes. Thousand year old cigarettes. Old floozy perfume. Whatever Irish people smell like.
Barflys- Name several particularly vile dive bar bathrooms we should investigate-professionally! And where can we find bullet holes?
L.O.- For better or worse, I guess, the bathrooms at even the most notorious dives around Boston don't seem to be that horror show anymore. The Drinking Fountain and Parotta's come to mind. Foley's in JP is pretty sketchy. I took very few shits in any of these places though, and I'll shit anywhere, so...
Doyle's has bullet holes still, by the way, but I ended up not including that spot because it's a little too family friendly by now.
Barflys- Are nicotine stained ceilings the de rigueur decor of a proper dive bar? How do I match that color at the Home Depot paint counter?
L.O.- Drop tile ceilings are the most common through line for dive bars. If they're scarred brown like at TC's, then it's a bonus.
Barflys- My liver enjoys frequent workouts but only with well liquors, how come? Where is the best workout in Boston?
L.O.- I go to a dive gym, actually. Smelly bathrooms, not that clean, type of guys you'd see at dive bars. I'd like to say it's because I'm a real blue collar neighborhood guy, but it's really just because I'm cheap.
Barflys- Dive bar is not just a noun it’s a lifestyle-explain.
L.O.- People in my social and age group think it's cute to be in a dive bar, like, haha, look at us drinking like poor people! LOL. Most of the dive bars around the city, maybe like 50% of the ones I cover, are just the only bar on the block and the place you go just because that's where you go.
Barflys- I know about all this new social networking b.s. but really dive bars were the earliest form of networking socially/ hooking up, no?
L.O.- Everyone has a Twitter now, but this one place Casey's in Southie – real gritty at times – has a Twitter account. I thought that was hilarious for some reason. They hold horseshoe tournaments and such though, so I guess it makes sense.
Before the internet, yes, the local dive is where you would go to gossip, and find out who was fucking who, and who was in a fight, and to find someone to fuck, and to fight. Although not too far back before it, because a few short decades ago there were no women in these places whatsoever. I guess there is something to be said for drinking just among men, although I think both politically, and in terms of the atmosphere, letting women in was a pretty good idea.
Barflys- “Surly service and cheap drinks” are particularly appealing to me-is this a dive bar ethos? Or am I am just a cheap creep?
L.O.- I don't blame a lot of these old timey guys for being surly, because they have to put up with a lot of shitty mopes, and have pretty much seen it all. But you have to be bringing added value to that archetype for me to find it charming. Just being a dick doesn't appeal to me. I've worked in bars and restaurants for about ten years myself, and I'm generally surly, but I get you your shit on time and listen to what it is you want.
Barflys- What is proper db etiquette? I understand the pivoting head thing when someone walks into a db: what else is acceptable behavior amongst the unsavory regular’s code?
L.O.- I keep reading your use of “db” as “douchebag.” Close enough I guess.
Anyway, unless you're a social retard you can pretty much tell when you're in a place where it's acceptable to strike up a conversation with the guy next to you, and when you'd better just keep your head down and drink your beer. I was in some places where it seemed the natural thing to do was stare at me the entire time I was there, and others where I met the sweetest people, men and women, old and young, who were easy to talk to. All depends on the place and the time of day, and the neighborhood. Look, I wear nerdy glasses and skinny jeans and have a nose ring and bad tattoos. I thought I would get a lot more grief at some of the rougher places, but nah... you have to go out of your way to get in trouble these days I think. Unless you really wander into the wrong scenario at exactly the wrong time.
Barflys- Boozin’ & writin’ is good work, how do I get your job?
L.O.- Obviously, having this job is easier than ever now, since literally everyone ever can become a blogger over night. Getting paid for it, now that's another matter. I honestly don't know. I've been doing the entertainment journalist thing pretty much my entire life. It's the only thing I ever wanted to do, and probably the only thing I'm remotely good at. For someone else? Maybe invent a time machine and go back to the days when people actually paid for writing? That might be a good start.
Barflys- Is the best dive bar in Boston really the worst? Explain. Name your fave. Why?
L.O.- I literally don't have one. The one I always talk about is BK's in
Rozzy Square. It will blow your mind. I kept expecting one of the Affleck's to be filming a scene in there about a down on his luck Boston tough with a heart of gold, just trying to do the right thing. Or a coke dealer with a machine gun to walk through the door with my grandmother's bingo team.
Barflys- Can I meet women at dbs? Nothing else has worked, why?
L.O.- At the college age ones? Yes, definitely. Just be a frat douche and make them feel bad about themselves. That seems to work everywhere though. Neighborhood dives? If you like older women, I think you're in luck. I had a few close calls with women my mother's age who probably would have liked to have gotten to know me better. Then again, I always assume everyone I'm talking to wants to fuck me, man or woman, so I might not be the best judge.
Barflys- I met this woman (I hope) at a db and she gave me her number. Do you want it? She was friendly and had most of her teeth.
L.O.- Let me ask my girlfriend if that's cool. Will follow up.
Barflys- Is KENO a narcotic?
L.O.- Gambling is an addiction for real. I thought I might have been addicted to it for a while there, betting on football and stuff. Then I realized, wait, losing isn't fun, and I lose every single time. So I stopped. I don't get KENO, and I consider myself to be a pretty well versed gambler. Get a poker game going or something...
Barflys- Someone once told me “to never have your back to the door in a db”. Is this some vague flatulence related reference or real db-insider shit? Explain.
L.O.- Maybe if the dive bar you're in is on the set of a mafia film in the Old West.
Barflys- I do like Big Buck Hunter and that Naked Lady Photo Hunt game but where can I find the sex toy claw machine?
L.O.- TC's has like a porno grab machine thing.
What is the etymology of the expression dive bar?
L.O.- There really isn't a clear cut consensus on where the term comes from, at least not that I've come across. There are newspaper reports form the late 1800s where bars are referred to as dives. Maybe it's because they were largely underground at the time? I feel like there is really something primal about drinking underground. Some of the dankest dives are basement level haunts that seem like you should be getting gutted on a meat hook. Maybe it's like a caveman type thing? Hiding from the dinosaurs outside around a few pints. Other people say it's like a “dive under your table” thing when people start shooting guns. Seems more likely we'd have started calling them Run Out The Fucking Back Door Bars if that were the case.
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| Eau de piss cakes w/ impressionist art |
